Hey, hope you enjoy This specific concept has been rattling around in my skull for a good few years. It was the first short story idea I’d ever come up with that focused entirely on a very isolated character living out their everyday life. To me at the time, having only thought up stories that involved ensemble casts with messy interconnecting storylines, it was a big shift for me, and a huge reason as to why it never got off the ground. However, when I was in Jules’s first ‘Writing for Real’ class, I wanted to write this story, but was quite unsure how to capture the essence I wanted. Which is why Kass and the little countryside town was born. Based off of Persona 4’s setting of Inaba and inspired by the recently reread ‘Memories of the City’, I felt more inclined to go a bit of a more personal direction with how Kass feels about art, especially her own. Speaking of Imagine! It will be wrapped up one way or another eventually. At the beginning of Imagine, something I struggled with was at what point the characters of Lillith and Kass started and ended. Because who Kass is was completely and utterly taken from Lillith, the stories don’t touch on exactly the same topics, but the mood, the internal thinking, the defeatist attitudes and self-absorbed natures of the two of them meant that even while thinking about them, they felt the same in my head. When I developed Kass more, I ended up stripping a lot of the original Lillith away. And even now that they’re different enough to not feel the same in my head, they still are the same in essence. A lot of it has to do with the way I write and how the internal dialogue is very much based on my own thinking, past or present. So there are some similarities simply because my own experience is a limited scope despite variance via creative liberties. Bittersweet follows the character Lillith and explores the idea of a genesis (my worlds magic/power system) that deals with the concept of perceived responsibility in the hands of someone very much uncomfortable in their own existence. And so, without further ado:
Waves crash against the levee, it groans a cry against the mounting pressure. Surely, the point at which it bursts is soon, no? Black ice snakes and cracks form over the spitting, seething foam of the sea. Standing from the rocks, with the spittle flying, there is only the morose realisation that anything that attempts to navigate with the lighthouses flickering, sporadic morse, will surely sink. There is only dark all the way down, past the jagged, razor rocks in those carnivorous trenches. But at least down there, in the yawning abyss, she can finally breathe. To Lilliths knowledge, the story goes as follows: The second her single mother could take her safely from the hospital after her birth, she was given up to a church a few regulars cite they had seen her come to weekly for many years. Upon speaking to the Pastor, she had left handsomely rewarded for following the wishes of God’s doctrine and refusing to take part in the death of an innocent newborn through the evil that was abortion. What she had bought first with that money was something Lillith had always wondered about in the dead of night, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling in an unfamiliar city… It’s all she's ever really found familiarity in. drip drip drip It leaked the second she moved in. Her head has taken a swim, the room sinks with her, she's beached on her own mattress, the world around her spins in tandem with the throbbing of her pulse. Too loud, loud enough to make her eyes sting with additional tears. Why she’d been given away was a story she could never decide on. Was her mother desperate for cash and saw an opportunity when she was pregnant? Was she a follower of the church and saw it as the right thing to do after an unplanned pregnancy? Had she wanted her in the beginning, but upon her entering the world she’d been so disgusted? Postpartum depression? Had she despised the very idea that a child had been born of her? Was she raised by a terrible mother who had left her feeling like she would fail when raising her own? drip drip drip She can feel its rhythm even as she sleeps. In her quietest hours outside she swears she can still hear it. Rising and falling with her breaths, leaking to the cadence of her anxiety. Did she believe she was a monster for what she’d birthed? Was she ashamed of herself and couldn’t bear the burden? Did she have any love at all for the life she’d been forced to bring into the world? Did she regret giving her away? Does she think about her sometimes? Does she miss her? Does she even remember her outside of the scar she left on her womb? The bottle escapes her weak grasp, rolling lazily away from her. Her breath is hot, the afterburn still kisses her throat, she burbles with each hiccup. She pretends her runny nose, red face and wet eyes aren't from her sobs. Above her head as she lays there weak and helpless, a red number glows dull, stoic and imposing. She can see it above others if she focuses just a little bit more. For her, it’s a date that’s stayed the same even as it still ticks like the hands of an eternal clock. In the same reverberation as that irritating leak. Harmonizing into a tone that doggedly follows her every thought. Those digits have been there for as long as she can remember. drip drip drip It pounds in her ears, it feels like it rattles tightly in her skull and throughout her bones. It hurts, it hurts. She’s always cried under the mounting pressure of a migraine. With tired, sunken eyes wet with tears. It reminds her, above all else, that despite what she feels and thinks, her genesis is a responsibility she is to bear and not something to ignore or abandon. ACT 1 - 05 : 67 Neon Crosses, Glass Pyres It's another cold cold winter morning, but there's a fire lit in her belly as she takes a swig of some month old whiskey stored under her bed. She leaves her scooter shuddering and whining as it tries to heat up, burying her face in her scarf as she waits in the howling wind. Snow flurrying and threatening to whip her hair around. Her piercings feel like ice in her ears, but she doesn’t mind. She’s more thankful she can wear them. She drags her scooter out of the snow, forgoing a helmet as she hops on and takes the slow route to work. It’s a Sunday and no one sane is out, the roads are clear. It’s 5:52, alone together with her scooter’s shuddering engine. Her mind is blank as she rides, letting herself ignore the familiar speck of red reflected in her wing mirrors. “A city of great glass, built tall and fragile, pretending to be transparent despite the stains, hiding everything behind great masks, because personal action does not matter if there is another to shun, blame and scorn. Seek not to keep in check those who are ‘holy’, but persecute those who are ‘unholy’ to the Almighty.” She doesn't lose her way, even if she hasn't been in the city long enough to say she's more than a temporary visitor. Her sense of direction has always been good, no matter the occasion. The winter has been hindering her however. She's never cared about her body temperature, it's the snow that piles up on the road, blankets that tuck in the frost underneath. She doesn't mind it too much, even if her boss doesn't agree with her, giving her grief over how slow she is. She tries not to let it bother her, instead taking in the way the sunrise reflects off the sleet. “Neon crosses polluting the air, the devoted on their knees in great masses, praying that they are virtuous in the eyes of the Almighty no matter their transgressions” She likes her job, she honestly does. It fills her with a little bit of satisfaction being able to provide a service. And as much as she otherwise hates the shipping company she works with, she does appreciate that they were willing to waive away the blatantly obvious fake information she fed them about her background. Laws here were a lot more lenient than her homeland it seemed. “Monuments rise in the image of victors, crushing the torn history of their land, forgiving the heinous in the name of nationalistic pride. The dark being rewritten by people masquerading as gods. They are platinum prophets and protectors. Outsiders, invaders and heretics be damned.” She toils away anyway with little reward. Packing and stacking, hidden away in rattling and groaning shipping containers not too dissimilar to the one she hid away in not too long ago. The roar of the sea drowns it all out. Lilith hums as she makes her usual rounds, stopping by post offices, complexes and apartment lots, peddling who-knows-what in brown packages big and small. Delivery was easily her favourite part of this job, it was relaxing just riding around and letting her mind wander, instead of being stuck inside the dingy warehouse, fan blaring and hearing the roar and groan of the port and its docked ships, alone save for the whir of forklifts, scissor lifts and other picker machinery far deeper into the warehouse. She wasn’t qualified yet to drive them, so here she was stuck with the repetition of packing boxes with products, taping and printing off delivery slips, organising the transport for big orders and strapping smaller ones to her scooter. It was truly mind-numbing and she hated it. But money was money, for as low paying as it was, the hours made up for it. There was always work to be done in a warehouse, it never ended, a ceaseless cog grinding day in and day out. Lilith truly wished that she could find another job, she was done doing food delivery though, that yielded her even less than here. So here in the cold, huddling into her coat as she shivered. She puts her idle hands to work as the ocean heaves in tandem. -- ACT 2 - 84 : 09 First Breath Lilith, when she was small, dreamed of seeing the ocean. She knew what it was.. Generally. All, gentle sandy dunes, rocks and shells brushed up to the shore, crustaceans, and gulls eking out a living from the crumbs scattered in the coral forests. What Lillith didn’t realize was, it was only in the stories she’d learned about the beach… With a hungry roar, the water scraped with ferocity, scrambling for purchase, only to come away with weathered rock too weak to withstand the onslaught a moment longer. Withered with age, everything returns to the sea eventually. Maybe that's why, now that Lillith is nearly an adult, trying not to let her monsters resurface, she sits before the broken pier by the ancient lighthouse with a sailor stare and a pulse that burns for one last voyage into deeper, uncharted waters. “People would do well to heed the tales of sirens and the destruction they leave in their wake.” -- Lots of Lillith’s childhood was spent sneaking out at dusk to teach herself to swim. Something she had been curious about since the first time she'd seen the shore on a little youth-group outing. Soft sand, sea spray, black rocks… Lillith was smitten with it all. She spent more time in the water than on land back then, she'd pretend she was a mermaid from the second she hit the water, up until she was dragged back to the shore, sopping wet as a mangy dog. Impatiently waiting for storms and big waves to die so she could dive right back in. At some point, a Prior would recognise her absence, and a Sister would come to collect her. And she'd wave goodbye to the only friend she'd have. When Lillith was 10, she fucked up a dive for the first time. Freezing in shock, her whole body locked up, sinking in the cold, early morning water with no oxygen in her lungs. Dark seconds filled with despair and acceptance as she was pulled yet deeper… Until, with a shuddering jolt, the spell was lifted, and she had control of her limbs again so she finally reoriented herself and came up for a gasp of air. Lilith had never felt such a rush like a failed, ruined attempt. -- Afterdark each night, Lillith went out to the shore, shivering in the cold. But feeling more alert and alive than she did back at the dorm. She’d slowly take, step after step into the freezing water, letting the sea greedily swallow her, it creeps up to her neck, and she closes her eyes and lets her body float, short blue hair fanned out. She feels so at home, she imagines herself as a beautiful mermaid, just for a little while longer… Lillith finishes her shift at the warehouse and hops back on her scooter. She has work starting early tomorrow. Her bills don't get paid by themselves. She gets to watch the sun rise and set though, so it's not all bad. She's freezing, sopping wet from the rain, has gotten yelled at a few times just tonight, but she still trudges home because there's no one else to do it for her Starting a new life had been surprisingly easy. She's a stowaway that ran away from home, with very little to her name aside from the clothes on her back and her first name. She's finally away, but at what cost? Everything looks much prettier from the shore. Now she's got three jobs and little time for anything else. She wants to get places, and get there fast because she's got bills to pay and a life to pave. But is this really what you wanted? Weariness in your bones, not an ounce of passion for anything. You want to lay down and die but that means those back home proven right about you. You just want to make it. So she’ll toil away until she feels, until she physically can't anymore. She detests the idea of giving up, even though deep down she knows she already has, and she's just keeping herself busy as she withers away to nothing. She's never been passionate about anything in her sheltered life. Her doctrine always made her uneasy, talk of evil and suffering seemed to single her out as the other. Her hobbies are next to none unless you count swimming until everything burns and she can barely move. She's got nothing better to do anyway… “Im really far down..” the way the sunlight turns to rays under the surface has a grip on her heart. Act 3 - 11 : 99 Timers Lillith finds it impossible not to notice the dull red looming over everyone, the small clocks ticking down in tandem above people's heads. It started with dreams, prophetic things that seemed to spell the doom of the people she cared for. But they never happened, they’d just bring her to tears and fill her with genuine fear for the people she loved. Possible realities that weren’t guaranteed. She went to her best friend then, sobbing and wailing, begging for her belief that she would never leave her side, apologising again and again for all the times she wasn’t there for her one and only friend. She swore profusely- that she wouldn’t let it happen again, she’d always be around and here and she’d never be left alone ever again. Her best friend only smiled sadly at that. When she starts seeing vivid images of her best friend dying on repeat in reflective surfaces, she races to her side and proclaims to protect her from everything that has and will ever threaten to hurt her. She does it with righteous anger and determination so much so that her best friend expresses how much love she has for Lillith. Lilith sees her best friend less and less over the years, the dreams stop, the visions don’t, but the urgency is gone. She stops jumping at shadows, and whenever she does, the girl in the reflections has long since changed from her best friend to herself. It’s been a year since she last heard from her closest friend and the world has been cold and lonely since. “Have you heard from her lately?” She gets a phone call one day out of the blue. “Not recently no, she must not think that we’re that close anymore if she isn’t willing to even text me anymore” She laughs humorlessly. There's a deathly still pause, and Lillith starts to think she’s in one of her nightmares again. “Lillith… She… I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m sorry, she-” Lilith sits a long time with the dial tone. … Lilith prays for the first time in years and decides she doesn’t feel any better at all. The mirror laughs as it shows Lillith in freefall, hitting the pavement with a sickening splat. She never prays again. Lilith thinks about how she never told her how much she truly loved her. How much she went back on all her promises and platitudes about always being there for her. She thinks about her smiles and her touch, her warm hugs and her lovely smell and the closed eye stare she gives and how cold her hand feels at the funeral and how her best friend died because of her and she knew it was going to happen and she did nothing to stop it. She covers up all the mirrors in her house and makes sure all windows have curtains over them at all times. She ignores the giant red fucking numbers floating above people’s heads counting down to their doom and cries and cries and cries, begging forgiveness from a corpse she last spoke to two years ago. She’s not surprised to see her own counter, but its the only one that constantly changes. Different numbers, a different time each instance she dares to take a look. The date of her death is never certain. She has something left to do here before she dies. Before she lays herself to rest too late because her best friend took the spot meant for her in the afterlife. Act 4 - 67 : 23 Ice Cold Blues One day, Lilith finds her way into money, by sheer coincidence, an error made by her bank means she’s rolling in money. Lillith makes sure to try spend it just as fast as she gets it. She wonders if her mother would hate to see who she’s become. But that just makes the urge to get rid of her money much more turbulent. Bury the shame in the material, the sin and the absence left behind. No more reasons to stick around when there's nothing left to lose. She buys a scooter then, jet black and sleek and everything she’s always wanted, a way to pack up and leave with her few possessions whenever she wanted. Hairline fractures riddle her body, each new agony digging deeper and deeper, letting that yawning abyss emerge in place of her heart and mind. Maybe, just maybe, she should have died years ago. If she was meant to live, why would the world be showing her all the signs, if she was to live, why was it to be in isolation. Lillith wasn't a stranger to working with a bad hand, but with walls closing in around her, the end was drawing near. The timer ticks ever so slowly, solemn and haunting. She heads to her second job, showering in the back, switching hi-vis for a skimpy waitress uniform, some sleazy bar job that she’d applied to, originally trying for a bartending position, instead it ended up being sniped. Lillith had been worried, but she guesses they felt pity for her because they took her on as a night roster waitress even if it wasn’t listed initially. So here she is, basically flashing her underwear as she mops floors and helps tidy up for closing. She grits her teeth, super fucking embarassing being stared at like this, but a jobs a job. She needs the money badly. Her stomach grumbles as she works, she’s only had liquor from this morning, it sloshes around in her, reminding her of how painfully inadequate of a meal whiskey is. She winces as a stomach cramp threatens to have her keeling over herself. But she steels herself against them, slowly making her way to closing time. The snow has fallen thick and freezing, Lillith braces herself against the cold, bundling into a black scarf that she may or may not have stolen. It's still not enough, and like always she staggers with frozen limbs to her scooter. She trips and falls, eyes slick with tears borne from exhaustion and for just a little while, she lays there in the cold. Drip, drip, drip The snow comes down feeling as heavy as a deluge, as it turns to water against her weak body. When Lillith was 10, she fucked up a dive for the first time. Freezing in shock, her whole body locked up, sinking in the cold, early morning water with no oxygen in her lungs. Dark seconds filled with despair and acceptance as she was pulled yet deeper… With a shuddering jolt, the spell was lifted, and she had control of her limbs again so, lucid against the panicking of her body, she pulls her body out of the water. She coughs and pants as she breaks the surface and makes her way slowly, reluctantly, to the shore. She sits there for a long while in the sand, taking in the blazing sun and the shivers across her shocked body. Lilith had never felt such a rush like a failed, ruined attempt. Act 5 - 00 : 39 Blinding suns Lillith was beyond exhausted going into university, her attendance was plummeting, but tuition costs this month couldn’t possibly be covered by that miracle error now that it had been all but drained. It had covered her first year, but now she was well and truly alone, working away most of her days just to keep up with her costs, she could barely attend lectures and her rent was always falling behind. Fuck she was so tired, her three jobs werent enough to keep up and she doesn’t physically have enough time in her days to fit in a fourth. Her legs feel like lead as she slowly ascends the stairs up to the rooftop. She pauses as she makes it to the top. She’d expected the door to be unlocked, but it sits wide open, someone was already here. Her heart leaps in her chest, settling uncomfortably. She pauses by the door. Maybe they’d leave? She didn’t exactly plan on being seen. Well, she might as well check it out. She takes a deep breath and walks out onto the rooftop. It’s littered with trash, rusting old furniture left unloved. But its otherwise clean and barren. That’s all nothing new, she’d scouted out this specific rooftop before, what’s new is there’s someone standing near the railings at the edge of the roof. Her shoes are off and her brilliant orange hair trails messily down her back, she stands with her hands daintily held behind her back. Lillith blinks, and takes in the scene, the empty rooftop, her shoes off, standing right at the edge, gripping the railing like she was at war with herself, the girl seems to make up her mind then and there, slowly making to move… And thats when Lillith, her heart catching in her throat, realises her timer is counting down from three, to two, to one- “Hey!” Lilith takes a step forward, and the girl turns around and… Fuck she’s beautiful. She has soft features and a kind aura to her, she looks surprised but after a flash of too many emotions to count she gives her a wary but not unkind smile. “Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting anyone else here today.” Lillith swallows, trying to stop her eyes from trailing her body hungrily “uh, yeah, ditto.” “...” “...?” “Did you come to get me?” She asks, looking serious. Lillith blinks, that wording was kind of weird “No?” “Good.” The girl seems to breathe easier “I should go, she’s all yours.” She bends down to pick up her shoes, pushing some hair behind her ear as she does. The fiery haired girl turns and walks away, passing Lillith with a smile brighter than she’s ever been used to. And Lillith immediately misses her warmth. When Lillith was 10 she fucked up a dive for the first time, hitting the water too fast and too heavy that it sent a shock through her system, locking up all her limbs and shutting her brain off for precious seconds as she sunk, the sunlight overhead growing weaker as she fell. Sickening thoughts of disappearing for good under the waves as her limbs failed to move. But then, the spell was lifted and she could move again, her body desperately clawed at the water, rising quickly to the surface as her mind roiled, she gasped, greedily sucking in air as she made her way weakly to the shore, her arms and legs weak. Lilith has never felt anything more terrifying than a failed, ruined attempt. “Hey.” Lilith grabs the other girls arm without thinking and the startled girl turns to face her with rapt attention. “I dunno what you were thinking, but shit, there are far better ways to deal with those feelings than that, there just has to be.” The other girl purses her lips and slowly searches her face and body, looking for something, Lillith doesn’t know what, and feels stupid and slackjawed under her gaze. Her hand that grabbed her feels sweaty and Lillith starts to regret saying anything. It wasn’t her business, it really wasn’t. She doesn’t know this girl and she probably doesn’t care what some dumbfuck stranger has to say about her coping mechanisms- The girl finds… Who knows what, but she seems to acknowledge Lilith's words. “Thanks”. She says simply. “I’ll be okay”. She seems to promise. “I’ll see you around” “Yeah, Okay…” Lillith watches her head disappear down the stairs, her timer seems to have reset, ticking down slowly in that same rhythm. Drip, drip, drip Lilith makes sure she’s gone for sure, or I don't know, wishing she would come back for her. Before she turns to the spot the girl had once stood. Lilith takes a deep breath and climbs over the railing. Her blood starts to run cold, the wind threatens to rip her from her spot, and her heart starts to pound. Fuck Lillith takes a deep breath like she’s about to take a dive and she takes one step, hovering over the empty air. Shit. She goes to take a second step but pauses. That girl, she was here for the exact same reason, trying the same thing as her, steeling her nerves to take a 15 storey jump, because of who knows why, there could be so many reasons, yeah, who knows what her deal was. Fuck she was probably going to hate her, reaching out to stop her, when all she was gonna do was jump off a fucking building because she felt so fucking trapped and scared and miserable and she didn’t know what she was doing and she’s all on her own now, shit she had no idea what she was gonna do, go home, crawl into bed and cry because she doesn’t have the strength anymore to cook anything to fill her stomach and shes so fucking tired and hungry and she wants to live just one day without everything overwhelming her, everything pointing to her death, all the roads, inactions and actions leading to her own demise. She’s helpless to stop it, the snow continues to fall and bury her alive… Come on, it's so easy, just let go. She thinks about the girl, she was pretty, so fucking pretty she’s jealous, fuck her for coming before her, shes stuck in her own head because of some bitch trying to off herself, selfishly pushing her death into the hands of her friends like they wouldn’t give a shit, fuck, didnt she understand how hurt they would feel, how fucking awful it feels to know that you werent enough to make their life more bearable to live fucking dammit fuck fuck fuck FUCK. With a jolt, she springs back and grips the railing like it was a lifeline, emotions flood her past the pounding of her pulse. Guilt, regret, anger, sadness and despair. Dammit Like the coward she is, she steps away from the ledge. ACT 6 - 16 : 53 Limit Break Lillith starts to wonder, what if she had gotten there too late, why did she stop for some girl that just so happened to be there first, who beat her to her planned spot. What if it had been her instead, her final moments spent in a city she’d not gotten familiar with, far from home. Shit. She hated this, lying in her own misery. Alcohol calms her just a little bit. Having wasted what little money she can spare on a bottle of vodka. She screams, throwing the bottle and hearing it smash against the wall in a wet splash. In those shards, she sees that girl again in free fall. She turns away and hides under the covers with her eyes shut before she sees the body hit the floor. She hops on her scooter, revving it up, driving fast and reckless. Her head pounds as she accelerates, straining the motor and swerving around a corner like a drag racer. Only to slam on the breaks and come to a skidding stop inches from a terrified girl crossing the road. “What the Fuck are you doing? Watch it.” Firey hair… its the same girl from yesterday, face twisted in anger, soon morphing into a hint of recognition. “It’s you… Small world”. They’re sitting in a coffee shop now, escaping the cold. And Lillith isn't sure what to do with herself, she's not actually sure why she agreed to go along with this girl she doesn't know, but here she is. Watching the other girl happily order a ridiculously specific coffee order while Lillith settles for a straight black. Lillith watches the other girl intently, maybe too intently, tracing her soft features with her eyes, making her lips dry. God she was so fucking beautiful, and it seemed like she knew it with the way she dressed and wore complimentary makeup and lashes. Lillith realised she should probably say something… Like apologise for nearly running her over, shit! “I uh, I’m sorry for nearly running you over, shoulda been watching out more.” Lillith cringes internally “I was distracted” “Uh huh.” She says dismissively. All forgiven, she supposed? Lillith clears her throat “So uh, I’ve not seen you around much on campus.” Or like, at all actually now that she thinks about it. And its not like she’s hard to miss. She still doesn’t look up at her “Been on leave, medical stuff. But now I’m back” For the better part of the year? Must have been serious. But not really something to bring up over coffee (coffee date? Outing? Who knew.) “Welcome back” She says lamely “Thanks.” Is the equally bland response. She was striking out, hard. Though in all fairness this girl wasn’t really giving her much to go off of. So why were they even doing this? She supposes buying coffee as an apology is polite, but sitting here awkwardly trading back one word question and answers probably wasn’t either of their ideas of a good time. There had to be more to this that she was missing, maybe about yesterday..? “Hey, just so you know. I’m not gonna, like, tell anyone about what happened yesterday. Whatever your business up there-” (not like either of them didn’t know what she was contemplating) “-that's your own, and if i was in the same position i wouldn’t want anyone going and spreading that around so I’m not about to do that to you.” She finally looks up at her, slightly shocked, but the expression is gone in an instant. “Thank you” She smiles, it's a good look on her. “I actually really appreciate that. I was worried I’d have a bunch of people on my ass about it later, so thanks for covering for me.” She nods to herself “Plus I don't really need a bunch of self assured people thinking they can save or fix me” She adds meaningfully. Shit, well, Lillith could take a hint. They finish their coffee, Lillith pays for the two of them and they both head out to weather the sleet and snow.